I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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