I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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