and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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