Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
