just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you had me at cake vodka
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
