Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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