You smell like stripper and shame
My cat gives me a boner
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
