I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
