the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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