A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
