if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
