You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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