you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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