I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
