rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
