Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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