i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
