my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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