Cold hands, warm shart.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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