he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
