Cold hands, warm shart.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I am naked and annoyed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
