i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
