I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
