i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
