Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
