i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
