In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
