do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
