Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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