birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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