I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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