I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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