I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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