My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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