textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
