you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
