i would punch a child for taco bell
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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