you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
