I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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