So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
