I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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