I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
