Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
