you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do vagina's smell?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
