dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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