i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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