I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
