you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
