If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
