I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
