I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
