Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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