I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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